Courage to Complete

Update photo from neighbor of Minou refusing a treat.

Home now, unpacked and showered.  The kitty ate 3 meals a day and only threw up twice while I was gone.  I was reminded that when I left for the workshop I thought it was possible that I would talk about my cat a lot; I was really making myself nervous about if that would be a good use of my time.  You see, cats turn you into a crazy cat person! They do it slowly so by the time they’re 13 or 14 you didn’t even notice anything changed and people roll their eyes right in front of you as you talk about your cat and you keep talking!  I don’t think I mentioned her once during the workshop. My worrying about her refusing to eat was, of course, a complete waste of energy.  I do feel validated that one of the days my neighbor went through three different kinds of food kitty refused  and then her boyfriend fed the kitty the same food and she ate it!  I’m imagining it’s proof that cats will go to great lengths to play mind games with humans, even risking their lives for a laugh.

Expressing my vulnerability. Cred: Genevieve Shouff

I feel much better being home than I thought I would.  I was dreading coming home because 1) I started having such a grand ‘ol time and enjoying my new honest friends I just wanted to keep being around them –and- 2) It would mark the beginning of the completions I promised to initiate and the completions I know I need to make.  Completions are conversations with people I have unfinished business with.  It might seem big or small, but the point is that I still think about it and so it festers and poisons my mind; Brad Blanton says “Get over shit and be happy!”.  One man from the workshop has already initiated a completion with his father and posted the early report of the conversation on our secret Facebook group.  I both scare and inspire myself with his post. I know I will likely have similar results with people in my life as I did with people in the workshop.  After all, someone once resented me for my face –all the time— I survived and am over it: and it has nothing to do with me. (Side note: I resent hyperlinks for high-jacking underlining; I imagine it will never be quite the same and we’ll be forever waving the little hand cursor over it trying to “go” somewhere else.  Sigh…)  

I welcome anyone who knows me and wants to engage me in resentments or appreciations, to get a copy of Radical Honesty, read the chapter on anger (if not the whole book), and let me know you’d like to talk.  Ideally a completion happens in person, but face time or skype works in a pinch.  If you are a relative of mine you will likely eventually hear from me, and I’m pacing myself, so if you have something pressing, call me up!  I am aware I am using this blog to keep me from chickening out on this part of the work, and what the heck!  So what?!  If you are making yourself nervous like me, just remember I happily survived people resenting me for my face and for how I breathe and for crying and for talking…. And they survived me resenting them for their face, for crying, for laughing, even for standing in a doorway once.  And then there were really wonderful appreciations and ones I didn't care about and ones I resented... we're keepin' it human here!  It’s really much much better on the other side of the communication!  Whether you have a beef or some love for me or someone else, the book helps a lot.  Here’s a real link (not just an underline) to the book and others by Brad Blanton http://radicalhonesty.com/store/books/

One of my fav pics from One Tree Yoga Studio by Meredith Rom

I am presently reading Practicing Radical Honesty, which has a guide on how to start a Radical Honesty group.  I imagine I will start a group in the North Bay, so if you’re interested drop me a line at sarahdomke@gmail.com.  I do not promise any timeline on this aspiration, but it is a start.  We also have Taber, the main trainer other than Brad, in Oakland CA, so it’s quite a treat to have such wonderful support nearby!

Also: I am going to continue to post pictures of myself on this blog for now because Sarah Domke, the playboy bunny, has considerably increased her real estate on our google image search.  If you really want to help me out, google us and click on my pictures first  and more often…  though I wouldn’t ask you to not look at hers ;) 

I am still accepting donations to my Radical Honesty fund & offering 10 more Yoga or Energy Work sessions at 50% off.  Energy work available via Skype.  For more info or to contribute go to http://www.sarahdomke.com/#!radical-honesty/c1b2i

so long or not

Last day, we've completed the workshop now and I'm waiting around for whatever the fuck is happening.  Ironically, or perhaps it's quite fitting, I am pissed right now.  The organization with getting to the airport and cleaning up is not to my liking and I resent being asked to have done so much work while here.  I was wanting to savor this time with the few people who have not left already, or at least to wander around in the Denver sunshine kicking clods of dirty melting snow.  Yesterday I went on a walk to the park and had a lovely session on the swings (video above)

I have not gone outside very much during this workshop and so when I have it is the most magical experience.  We're sort of in a rough neighborhood, but stepping out after being in this stuffy bed and breakfast schleping through resentments and appreciations feels like stepping out into heaven!  I felt like I was seeing the world for the first time, the snow and the sunshine, the transvestites and highschool students... everything was beautiful and new and just fine in the universe.

I went upstairs after writing the above to take a little nap after expressing my resentment about the organization of our departure day, receiving resentments for my resentments, feeling the need to sleep off my grumpiness, even though the initial body sensations accompanying my irritation had passed.  I was told that there would be a half hour before anything would happen.  I set my alarm for 30mins and drifted in and out of dream state in my upstairs room.  When I came down, everyone who was not in my airport group was gone!  People I felt very close to and was very much attached to saying goodbye to and squeezing tight to my heart one last time.  When I found out from one of the women in my group I immediately muffled my disappointment saying "it's okay" when she said "sorry".  I went back upstairs to try to retreat back into dreaming, only to cry hard for myself, feeling after all like I don't matter to them.  It was just me and one other woman in the big old bed and breakfast at this point, as some other people in my group went to drop luggage off at the hotel so we can all fit in the car later.

I wrangled my mind from those old familiar places of abandonment and loneliness.  I listened to the voices that said "they don't really care" -- "You ruined it by expressing those last resentments" -- "you were stupid to think you belong" and on.  and on.  I listened and watched and noticed sensations in my body.  I looked out the window wistfully from my little bed, and then I took some deep cool breaths.  I jump-started some other thoughts remembering things people said to me "you're so easy to love" -- "I learned so much from watching you, thank you" -- "I healed myself in your presence" -- "you have a great ass".....  I kept feeling my body and breathing and told myself "it doesn't matter what people think about you, and you happen to have been loved by these people" -- "it has been a confusing day with schedules and it just didn't work out" --"you did withdraw and take a nap, they might have thought you didn't want to be disturbed". I gathered myself up to go downstairs and wait for my other buddies to come back and all go out to dinner.

RIP Ujjayi (for now)

8 angle pose in the Laguna de Santa Rosa.  Photo cred Marissa LaBrecque

I have a really loud ujjayi breath that I quite enjoy and tends to either trigger people or help them in their own breath.  Here at the workshop my breath has been the source of much resentment expressed.  Though I have completed with those people, I’ve decided to suspend my ujjayi breath for now to keep my focus on other things I want to get out of the workshop.  If I get time during the day I’ll go do my own practice with my beloved whisper breath.  A theme for me has been holding who I know I am while other people get triggered by me.  The ujjayi breath gives me a great opportunity for me to practice this, though with all the work we do all day long, I am feeling the need to get some breaks. 

There has been a lot of resentment expressed about me saying I’m a healer and a yoga teacher, the ujjayi breath seems to be a way to refresh the resentment!  I have felt at times that I was being targeted or worn down about this and that I had to fight for myself.  However, I get that we are each here to put down whatever strategies we had before the workshop and surrender to the process here.  So Brad does not want me to breathe ujjayi, I am hardly allowed to explain things, and we had been in what seemed to be a stalemate about tracking sensations in the body.  Until the other day…

Brad gave me the assignment to just feel, not think, and let my body do whatever it wants, eyes open while “Judgmental Prick”—let’s say his name is Mark -- was in the hot seat (Gestalt therapy style) about an issue in his life.  I had been coming into a crescendoing emotionally raw place that Brad had been circling in on getting me to just feel and not do anything about it.  I dove into the assignment, and it actually felt like quite a relief to have permission to just be my freaky self.  I was breathing deep, moaning, sobbing, rocking, coughing and even gagging as Mark went through various similar expressions as the coaches tried to ferret out his feeling, especially anger.  I felt like I was being a super freak and was likely opening myself up to lots of resentment and that people would think I was full of shit, but I stayed with it, not thinking, just feeling and letting my body do what it wanted. 

Numerous times I would feel like coughing or gagging and I’d allow myself to do it, and shortly afterward, Mark would too.  A number of times I would cry when Mark was holding back, but then when he would cry I would feel at peace.  Once my head went all the way back, jutting out my neck and chin and after a bit of that I opened my eyes to see he was doing it too!  I felt like I was channeling his emotions and physical sensations, especially the unexpressed ones.  At one point I felt a primal scream brewing in my belly and at that point inside of myself, I refused to deliver it.  I started to feel very angry as I saw him going into sadness while I was convinced this was a case of sad=mad; I refused to scream for him.  The funny thing looking back is that one of the reasons I did not scream is because I am much more comfy in the realm of sobbing and gagging than I am in the realm of growling/screaming from the depths of all my repressed anger.  I then started to feel sorry for myself that when I just open myself up sometimes I sponge up other’s emotions and I will either be helpless to my own experience or I will have to put a clamp on it and walk around controlling myself all the time.  At this point, feeling sorry for myself, imagining myself as this homeless freak channeling other people uncontrollably all the time, I began to sob for myself.  I had let a thought come in and distract my empathic trance with Mark.  One of the trainers sitting nearby put her hand on my shoulder and said to me “Open your eyes and look at reality”; I told her I was too tired, she said, “that’s why you need to look”.

Now.  Her timing was incredible in that the very moment I let some thoughts come in and I started crying for myself, she brought me back in.  I spoke with her a bit about it today and it seemed that while we may be saying similar things, we don’t feel like we agree.  I’ll tell ya, though, this was a very validating experience for me about who I am and strengthened my knowingness.  I am a trigger and a catalyst, which is one of the ways I am a healer.  I don’t think many people in my group would agree with me on this using the word “healer” but I have had a number of people come up and thank me for the work I’m doing and telling me they’re learning a lot.  No one has resented me for being a freaky feeler during that hot seat session, and Mark was not even aware of my presence!

All of this gets me to thinking that it would do us all well to use curiosity as our go-to mode when something that triggers us or is new comes along.  I imagine that the people who are triggered by the word “healer” have a sort of BS charlatan judgment of healers: It’s no wonder, there are so many frauds and unethical people in the field, and my sense is that there are many more people who are legit.  Healing in my opinion is not something you do to someone, it’s something two people do together through a combination of techniques rooted in allowing the truth and mirroring. 

Since that session I have felt much more grounded and much less resentful about not doing my ujjayi breath.  It is so beautiful to go through these little muddy hells and come out the other side with a lotus in my hair.  Actually, another language tool we work with in the hot seat is to replace “it” with “I”, even if it is grammatically fucked up.  So: I am so beautiful to go through these little muddy hells and come out the other side with a lotus in my hair.  And on to the next!

Swimming with Sharks

When I first saw this photo I only saw my legs crooked in the air, and then I was like "I fucking did that!"  This pose is called Titibasana and was taken by my endlessly dear and talented co-conspirator Marisssa LaBrecque who is also a yoga teacher and the owner of yogaatthemercantile.com

Overview of Radical Honesty language:

The idea is to get as close to reality and the present moment as possible.  This is based on the idea that you can only observe what’s inside of your body, what’s outside of your body, and what’s going through your mind.  Brad calls it "inside, outside, upside down" The main phrases are:

·      I resent you for [something specific like what they said, how their face or body looks –no interpretations/judgments/abstract concepts)

·      I appreciate you for [same as above]

·      I notice [specific sensations in YOUR body in the moment]

·      I imagine [this is where you can use interpretations and judgments, but not often]

·      I made myself [scared, annoyed, sad], about your story (or whatever you made your self feel over that someone else did)

I dove into the deep end here right away, letting all my incongruencies be seen and becoming what I imagined was a target for people to start practicing their resentments on.  I was getting “I resent you for… saying you’re a healer, saying you’re a yoga teacher, talking so much, saying you’re a body expert” –that last one I don’t remember saying and was either imagined by the person who said it, or it flew out of my mouth in a hot defensive moment trying to access my anger and actually just explaining myself (not allowed because my story is not part of reality).  Well, I dove in, and then yesterday (day 3 or 4) I started to feel some coolness in my body, some pleasurable tingling sensations and I imagined I was coming into a clearing.  Also, I had been wondering at what point everyone starts to fall in love with each other and then it seemed to be happening for me, I was really starting to love everyone! 

Loving everyone cooled my resentments and also my desire to express resentment.  Brad warns about this in the book Radical Honesty that when you start to feel good there is danger of going back to being full of shit when you start to experience some positive results and want to hold onto that feeling, creating an expectation.  So often we lie to please people so that we can get a desired outcome… that might be the only reason we lie!  I am experiencing such a desire to hold onto the benefits I earned and I am noticing myself going back into withholding my judgements and resentments, however small.  The appreciations, on the other hand, have been like a masturbation for me as I came into this feeling of space and healing while I have been appreciating people left and right today.  It’s just that it seems especially nitpicking when feeling good to admit that you have a judgment of someone and therefore resentment toward them.  In reality it has nothing to do with them, but we use this language and express our anger as “I resent YOU for” because that’s the truth about how it is playing out in our head, that is part of the lie. The "story" is what we use to justify our lie and make us feel like a better person for having the judgement or resentment.  Brad says "get mad and get over it".  I works, but you have to keep doing it as long as you fucking live.  Fuck has been a very helpful word for me lately :)

Anyway, I got a nice break, and the work I’ve done has landed me squarely in this community.  In addition to beginning to fall in love with everyone we are really becoming a group.  And now I’m going back in.  I have at least one “date” with someone to process today –he who has been very quiet about what’s going on in his mind is now introducing himself to us as a “judgmental prick”, wants to talk to me.  I have offered to teach a yoga class during our day break today.  I have a number of attractions to navigate, some mutual, some not.  I also find everyone attractive in varying degrees.  I am standing again on the shore of the mess that I am so good at creating and diving in once more to swim with the sharks in my mind. 

I am aware that I am burning my life to the ground.  Parts of me are dying that I am both am eager to kill and am scared shitless to lose.  For now I have to loose all hope that I will be at all recognizable when I return, and just maybe some parts of who I am, the true parts if there are any, will carry over.  I am learning to consider the possibility that I am constructed completely of BS.  I'm definitely not all BS, but it's part of the process of letting things die that need to die.  What is on the other side I have absolutely no idea.  Also I'm starting to think that saying "phony mustaches bursting into flames" in the description of this blog feels flippant, but it still cracks me up, so I'm keeping it... for now.

If you would like to support me in this journey, I am accepting donations and offering 50% off of services purchased until March 9th to be scheduled when I return.  To donate or purchase go to http://www.sarahdomke.com/#!radical-honesty/c1b2i   If you dig it, drop me a line at sarahdomke@gmail.com

Getting Dumber