so long or not

Last day, we've completed the workshop now and I'm waiting around for whatever the fuck is happening.  Ironically, or perhaps it's quite fitting, I am pissed right now.  The organization with getting to the airport and cleaning up is not to my liking and I resent being asked to have done so much work while here.  I was wanting to savor this time with the few people who have not left already, or at least to wander around in the Denver sunshine kicking clods of dirty melting snow.  Yesterday I went on a walk to the park and had a lovely session on the swings (video above)

I have not gone outside very much during this workshop and so when I have it is the most magical experience.  We're sort of in a rough neighborhood, but stepping out after being in this stuffy bed and breakfast schleping through resentments and appreciations feels like stepping out into heaven!  I felt like I was seeing the world for the first time, the snow and the sunshine, the transvestites and highschool students... everything was beautiful and new and just fine in the universe.

I went upstairs after writing the above to take a little nap after expressing my resentment about the organization of our departure day, receiving resentments for my resentments, feeling the need to sleep off my grumpiness, even though the initial body sensations accompanying my irritation had passed.  I was told that there would be a half hour before anything would happen.  I set my alarm for 30mins and drifted in and out of dream state in my upstairs room.  When I came down, everyone who was not in my airport group was gone!  People I felt very close to and was very much attached to saying goodbye to and squeezing tight to my heart one last time.  When I found out from one of the women in my group I immediately muffled my disappointment saying "it's okay" when she said "sorry".  I went back upstairs to try to retreat back into dreaming, only to cry hard for myself, feeling after all like I don't matter to them.  It was just me and one other woman in the big old bed and breakfast at this point, as some other people in my group went to drop luggage off at the hotel so we can all fit in the car later.

I wrangled my mind from those old familiar places of abandonment and loneliness.  I listened to the voices that said "they don't really care" -- "You ruined it by expressing those last resentments" -- "you were stupid to think you belong" and on.  and on.  I listened and watched and noticed sensations in my body.  I looked out the window wistfully from my little bed, and then I took some deep cool breaths.  I jump-started some other thoughts remembering things people said to me "you're so easy to love" -- "I learned so much from watching you, thank you" -- "I healed myself in your presence" -- "you have a great ass".....  I kept feeling my body and breathing and told myself "it doesn't matter what people think about you, and you happen to have been loved by these people" -- "it has been a confusing day with schedules and it just didn't work out" --"you did withdraw and take a nap, they might have thought you didn't want to be disturbed". I gathered myself up to go downstairs and wait for my other buddies to come back and all go out to dinner.