Swimming with Sharks

When I first saw this photo I only saw my legs crooked in the air, and then I was like "I fucking did that!"  This pose is called Titibasana and was taken by my endlessly dear and talented co-conspirator Marisssa LaBrecque who is also a yoga teacher and the owner of yogaatthemercantile.com

Overview of Radical Honesty language:

The idea is to get as close to reality and the present moment as possible.  This is based on the idea that you can only observe what’s inside of your body, what’s outside of your body, and what’s going through your mind.  Brad calls it "inside, outside, upside down" The main phrases are:

·      I resent you for [something specific like what they said, how their face or body looks –no interpretations/judgments/abstract concepts)

·      I appreciate you for [same as above]

·      I notice [specific sensations in YOUR body in the moment]

·      I imagine [this is where you can use interpretations and judgments, but not often]

·      I made myself [scared, annoyed, sad], about your story (or whatever you made your self feel over that someone else did)

I dove into the deep end here right away, letting all my incongruencies be seen and becoming what I imagined was a target for people to start practicing their resentments on.  I was getting “I resent you for… saying you’re a healer, saying you’re a yoga teacher, talking so much, saying you’re a body expert” –that last one I don’t remember saying and was either imagined by the person who said it, or it flew out of my mouth in a hot defensive moment trying to access my anger and actually just explaining myself (not allowed because my story is not part of reality).  Well, I dove in, and then yesterday (day 3 or 4) I started to feel some coolness in my body, some pleasurable tingling sensations and I imagined I was coming into a clearing.  Also, I had been wondering at what point everyone starts to fall in love with each other and then it seemed to be happening for me, I was really starting to love everyone! 

Loving everyone cooled my resentments and also my desire to express resentment.  Brad warns about this in the book Radical Honesty that when you start to feel good there is danger of going back to being full of shit when you start to experience some positive results and want to hold onto that feeling, creating an expectation.  So often we lie to please people so that we can get a desired outcome… that might be the only reason we lie!  I am experiencing such a desire to hold onto the benefits I earned and I am noticing myself going back into withholding my judgements and resentments, however small.  The appreciations, on the other hand, have been like a masturbation for me as I came into this feeling of space and healing while I have been appreciating people left and right today.  It’s just that it seems especially nitpicking when feeling good to admit that you have a judgment of someone and therefore resentment toward them.  In reality it has nothing to do with them, but we use this language and express our anger as “I resent YOU for” because that’s the truth about how it is playing out in our head, that is part of the lie. The "story" is what we use to justify our lie and make us feel like a better person for having the judgement or resentment.  Brad says "get mad and get over it".  I works, but you have to keep doing it as long as you fucking live.  Fuck has been a very helpful word for me lately :)

Anyway, I got a nice break, and the work I’ve done has landed me squarely in this community.  In addition to beginning to fall in love with everyone we are really becoming a group.  And now I’m going back in.  I have at least one “date” with someone to process today –he who has been very quiet about what’s going on in his mind is now introducing himself to us as a “judgmental prick”, wants to talk to me.  I have offered to teach a yoga class during our day break today.  I have a number of attractions to navigate, some mutual, some not.  I also find everyone attractive in varying degrees.  I am standing again on the shore of the mess that I am so good at creating and diving in once more to swim with the sharks in my mind. 

I am aware that I am burning my life to the ground.  Parts of me are dying that I am both am eager to kill and am scared shitless to lose.  For now I have to loose all hope that I will be at all recognizable when I return, and just maybe some parts of who I am, the true parts if there are any, will carry over.  I am learning to consider the possibility that I am constructed completely of BS.  I'm definitely not all BS, but it's part of the process of letting things die that need to die.  What is on the other side I have absolutely no idea.  Also I'm starting to think that saying "phony mustaches bursting into flames" in the description of this blog feels flippant, but it still cracks me up, so I'm keeping it... for now.

If you would like to support me in this journey, I am accepting donations and offering 50% off of services purchased until March 9th to be scheduled when I return.  To donate or purchase go to http://www.sarahdomke.com/#!radical-honesty/c1b2i   If you dig it, drop me a line at sarahdomke@gmail.com