Sad=Mad

The main theme for my learning today is that I have been an expert at converting anger into sadness.  I had some huge processing in front of the group about my life story I told last night.  And then I also had to process later after lunch with a woman and tell her I resented her for something she did that had been festering in me and I was scared as shit to say so.  We all agreed to tell the truth here, and that includes not withholding.  We are being trained to watch our minds and as soon as possible get a reality check on things that we are starting to tell stories about.  So I knew as I was feeling pissed and scared and persecuted and sorry for myself that I was going to have to come out with it, and soon before I became too convincing to myself!  I had a breakthrough in expressing anger with her when she told me that she likes it when people yell "fuck you, I resent you for..." to her, it's a thrill for her.  I appreciated her for saying that, I imagined it gave me the courage to really go for it, afterall, she likes it!  After yelling at the person you check in and notice how your body feels, and maybe rate the amount of rage you feel on a scale of 1-10.  I was having a hard time rating my anger because I was feeling sadness.  So she agreed to give me a pass on rating my anger and instead rate my sadness considering it as a sort of translation of my anger rating.  We had to end on a "3" and then she expressed her resentment to me, we both expressed appreciations, and we walked off to dinner much much happier and lighter, which... I would get checked for saying "happier and lighter" because they are stories/judgements and not describing reality; it can feel like going through a language land mind, but I'm starting to get it!  Brad Blanton says you're healed (my word, not his) when you're down to being dumb and making the simplest observations: "you're a man! my heart tight! you have a shirt! my face hot!"  Well it's working because I can barely form sentences when talking to others.  I'm again so exhausted, I feel emptied of a bunch of shit, and my body is sore.  Good night!