Yes, AND

Bad feng shui, but it's my little space

Hoo eee! Today, day 1 of RH, we’re introducing ourselves to the group sharing: Name; age; where we’re from; net worth; debts; income; what we don’t’ want to share; how we shoot ourselves in the foot; what we hope to get out of this workshop.

What if I am a drama queen? 

4 people into introductions I finally got my turn, I had been jetting my hand for 3 of those before I got in.  Just like in my Forrest training when we did truth speaking circle and I was half way around a circle of 30ppl, the energy and sensations in my body were feeling overwhelming and out of control.  I could feel their pain and torment vividly.  I worried that when it came to me there would be no me left in it and just a jumble of things I can relate to and feel but cannot affect.  Brad coached me toward blubbering, which I began rather easily, but not all the way, I only had 10mins.  I opened with my confession of being clairsentient and feeling overwhelmed in the moment with everyone’s feelings and stories.   Here’s a paraphrased sample of the dialogue:

“Where do you feel it in your body?”

My heart, my solar plexus, pressure in my head, my throat, hands activated in a tingling sensation up my arms and through diaphragm

“How’s it changing now?"

It feels like a big… [gesturing with hands down I was seeing a black hole beneath me]

“Not what it feels like, that’s a thought, how does it feel?”

--this went around a few times before I came to:

Numb

“Where”

From the waist down

“Good.  And now what do you feel”

Early morning view from my little tower.

Flush of heat down my arms and face

“Awe, good, you feel the heat”

Yes, you can see it, I know. (I was quite flushed)

And, as always, the coaching is around ‘it’s not about them or us, it’s about you”.  Yes, and everyone else too.  I feel like this is so taken for granted that it is assumed that shutting it down  [my perception that not everything I feel is me] that it is not even questioned… except by me and others who understand me (few), but it’s like we have to go underground.  It’s funny because while it’s said ‘don’t take responsibility for others’ it’s also saying take responsibility for what you feel –so if I feel others and I take responsibility for what I feel then I’m taking responsibility for others.  Yeah, that’s it! (Indignant tone, I’m making a joke)  One woman came up to me afterward and validated me, said she understood what I felt and we had an intense whispered conversation about feeling and knowing things that maybe aren’t expressly ours.  And don’t get me wrong:  it’s all both and.  AND: I am feeling resentful for the lack of consideration that there might be some truth to what I’m sharing about my experience that is not all a fucked up story to avoid taking responsibility.  It’s becoming clear I have to take a stand for myself and no one may understand, most will think I’m being a drama queen and just resisting the growth.   Or something completely unexpected and wonderful could happen!  I certainly do have resistance going on and pent up anger, resentment, bitterness… yes, AND.

After my turn and all the crying and sensation tracking in my body, I did not have that problem of feeling overwhelmed by other’s stories.  I feel exhausted now, maybe I just didn’t have the energy or I shut it down somehow or it just worked.  There definitely is something to this work that is working (workity work work, ha-ha! no editor here), and I feel just so tired and antisocial now.  People are hanging out having intense conversations, and I usually love that kind of thing, but now I need to discharge and rest.  That’s what I’m doing, writing here in my springy cot in the weird little Denver window room. 

It’s really going deep for me right now that this is all being filmed.  I’m being asked to bear all, and I thought I was willing, but with the cameras rolling it completely raises the bar.  The idea is that by the end of the workshop you don’t care who knows anything about you at all.  There are also people here who are on their 2^nd, 3^rd and 26^th times.   Already we are giving each other strength to keep opening and letting go.  Brad said I am too smart and hopefully by the end of this retreat I will be much dumber (others had a similar diagnosis).  It feels awkward to hear stuff like that because I totally agree with it and I teach a lot of it already.  I crave the recognition that I know and I really get it,  while feeling like I’m being called a hypocrite for teaching something I have not mastered myself.  They don’t know what I teach yet, but I will be teaching some morning classes while I’m here.  I’ve been going over and over this for the last couple of years with teaching because my lessons come through when I teach others.  I do a good job too, but I’m not a master of them, I’m more like a scrappy guide who forges through the swamp offering my example and cheering us forward.  By the time I’m a master of something it’s too boring to teach, I want to be on the teetering edge and I don’t want anyone to tell me I have to know where I’m going with it or what will happen.  I want to trust the process, and when I do, it works.  So why do I muck around trying to explain it?!  I want someone to say what I’m doing is okay, and my sense is that rather than finding the recognition and validation for what I’m doing from any of these people (or any of you readers) that I will probably find it in that numbness below my waist.  I’m going in, but first I’m taking a nap.